Content warning: This post contains strong language and references to suicide, abuse, and mental illness. Client’s name has been anonymized.
Lee is a client of the Ohio Justice & Policy Center’s Beyond Guilt program, which believes people are not as bad as the worst day of their life. Beyond Guilt works to shift the narrative and the legal system away from permanent punishment toward redemption and second chances. Lee was sentenced to a life-altering term as a young person and has spent decades navigating the trauma of incarceration while working to heal, grow, and reclaim his humanity. With the support of OJPC staff and the passage of SB 256, which eliminated life without parole for juveniles in Ohio, Lee has found a path forward. His powerful story below sheds light on the urgent need for mental health care, compassion, and real criminal legal reform.
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I am Lee, a recovering addict that has all kinds of mental issues. Bipolar II is what I’m diagnosed with. My mother, who also abused drugs was diagnosed as manic depressive, so I inherited her traits before I was even born.
During my childhood, I experienced a lot of abuse, ranging from sexual to physical. Neglect was one of the biggest conditions I suffered from. It led me to gravitate towards gangs and other negative influences outside my home. Unfortunately, all of this led to my incarceration, but most importantly, it cost the life of my victim.
My incarceration has been nothing but the same traumatic stressors; neglect, mental, physical, and emotional abuse. These conditions are connected to how staff treat us. We are yelled at, discriminated against, dehumanized, forced to do what they want us to do, deprived of simple liberties, it only keeps us in a zero state of mind. Especially me, because it’s the same sort of psychological abuse I used to receive from family members, schoolteachers, and community residents who’ve all stated that I “wasn’t shit and was never going to amount to anything.” Believing such nonsense kept me producing negative results or wanting to just end it all. I felt inferior, and still feel that way now in my 40’s. That plays a vital role in the mindset of a person with mental illnesses. When we believe that we’re less than because we see ourselves as the low scum of the earth, we keep ourselves in that zero state of mind.
Throughout my incarceration I have felt aggression from both staff & inmates. Women staff who’ve been dealing with their own abuse come in here and take it out on us because they have the control in the matter and manipulate the situations to their advantage if they don’t like you or your kind. Which can create a different outlook for a person going up for parole. Then there’s the lack of family support. Not having support being there takes an extreme toll on you.
I have gone through serious depression, having manic episodes when I felt like nobody cared. I attempted suicide more than once partly due to feeling inadequate, unlovable, and unsupported.
My turning point came after my grandmother passed away. She was the only one that gave a fuck about me. I wanted to become the person she thought I could be. I started taking programs and vocational trades to gain knowledge in areas I lacked. The programs began to get to the root of my problems. Many of them were CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) classes. [But] Mental health services didn’t take my issues seriously. In fact, they didn’t take anyone’s issues seriously. I was in DTP (Daytime Treatment Program) at the time. The doctor that ran the Mental Health Block had a motto, “I’d rather they get high than cut themselves!” Basically, covering up one problem with the creation of another. Please, make that make sense!
I continued to progress in my way of thinking and how to cope with my issues.
After the passage of SB 256 [which abolished the practice of sentencing juveniles to life without the possibility of parole], I was given an attorney to represent me in my upcoming parole hearing. Ms. Carrie Wood was my assigned attorney and she worked for OJPC. She came to see me, heard my story and felt that there was more to me than just representing me at the hearing. She introduced me to the team. This was one of the key contributors to allow me to begin the healing process. I began to feel supported with the assistance of Karen Tapp, David Singleton, Adam, and Kalliah Newport, whom I became closest with. They visit, stay connected through email, and have shown unwavering devotion towards getting me ready for freedom, just by being there and lending me their support no matter what it may be about. That’s being true to their mission & vision statement. This is what I envision for my future. I want to advocate and help those in need. Especially those that come from where I came from. Those cut from the same cloth. People who suffer from any type of mental illness shouldn’t be placed in confinement because there’s no one willing to understand the conditions of a person’s state of mind.
Prison isn’t the solution. It only covers up and adds on to the lingering problems we have as a society, only to watch it overflow and explode into something much worse later on.
Why shouldn’t criminal reform be discussed? If not now, then when?
– Lee